25 Apr

At some point I realized my cheek was getting hot.

Sarah kept talking, and I listened. One hand, holding a beer I’d filched from Cory, dangled off the side of the futon. With my other hand, I opened my email and scrolled through the progressively more horrifying links that Sarah sent me. I couldn’t be sure whether she was trying to impress me or shock me, and a graceful way to end the conversation had not yet occurred to me. About fifteen minutes earlier, my arm had gotten tired, so I lay on my back and balanced my cell phone on my face. The battery had begun to overheat and the speaker was slipping away from ear. I clicked away from her most recent atrocity and started to research how much radiation my phone was pumping through my head.

“Here, watch this clip I’m sending you now. It’s the best thing. It’s hilaaaariousssss!

Sarah spoke that last word often and invariably in a high voice, with peaked vowels and drawn-out sibilants, using a singing voice that would have seemed clear and beautiful if it were talking about anything else.

She’d sent me pterodactyl porn.

By pterodactyl porn, I mean a live action video of two men, dressed as pterodactyls, double penetrating a woman. Their costumes had been very well done and seemed convincing in a 1950s monster movie sort of way. Their wingspans and crests, apparently made of kites and molded plastic, impressed without ostentation, and the director had chosen not to go for the obvious Jurassic Park references, which, I think we can all agree, would have been cheap. As a finishing touch, the men had been sprayed down with some texturing substance, leaving only their unpainted and improbable junk as a testament to their humanity, although it was possible to see their faces inside the dinosaur beaks. The starring actress, fellating one pterodactyl and being sodomized by the other, refused to be distracted by the saurian flapping and squawking. In spite of the nightmarish scene happening all around her, she still managed to appear to be enjoying herself.

What she showed me next mercifully consisted only of still, hand-drawn images. It was a full comic of cannibal porn. Rotisserie women, women a la carte, women beheaded and baked. The link after that led to giant porn. Impossibly large women swallowed tiny men or captured them in order to shove them into their vaginas.

Her next offering was E.T. porn. The thirty second clip consisted of a woman done up to look like E.T., with long fingers, a wide boxy head, long glowing fingers and googly eyes. These last had probably come from a craft store, as the alien’s pupils rattled wildly with every toss of her head. As with the pterodactyls, her costume ended at her crotch, revealing very human genitalia. Her partner’s eyes were closed. Probably the maintenance of his erection required him to shut them. His effort of will impressed me.

“Elllll-eeeeeeee-oooooot,” the actress croaked. Sarah laughed in my ear. I adjusted the phone.

“So, um, do you want to go out for a drink tomorrow?” I don’t know why I said this. “On Friday night, maybe we can go to the Wexner and see a movie.” I don’t know why I said that either.

“Maybe. I have a call coming in. I’ll talk to you soon.” She hung up. I brushed my phone off my face and finished the rest of Cory’s beer.


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  1. Antonio Strange

    December 28, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Dan, this entry made me urinate my sweatpants. Not because I can not hold the urine, but rather because it was quiet entertaining.

    I will tweet about this….

    Thanks for making my night quiet better.

    can i get the link to the dino porn??